Forgiveness and Forgiving

“He who forgives first ends the argument.”

--African proverb

I’ve been fascinated with why, when and how people forgive one another. By forgiving, I mean “to cease to feel resentment toward; to PARDON,” as stated in my Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary. To explore my “how” question, a few years ago, I attended three talks at an afternoon session entitled, “The Concept of Forgiveness in the Abrahamic Traditions.” Here are my notes from a talk by Rabbi Sydney Mintz, Associate Rabbi at Congregation Emanu-El in San Francisco.

An Hassidic parable tells of a king who expelled his son from the kingdom. Years later, he wanted his son back, so he sent his messengers to find his son. The son said he was too far away, and had wandered too long to find his way home. The father said, “Return as far as you can. I’ll come out the rest of the way to meet you.”

This illustrates the concept of return or repentance, “Teshuvah.” Forgiveness involves repentance, or returning to God. The Talmud spells out five steps in seeking forgiveness from others:

1. To confess to another, face to face, that you’ve wronged that person and ask forgiveness, up to 3 times if necessary.

2. To compensate the person injured in appropriate ways.

3. To resolve to never again wound that person, or others in that way.

4. To ask forgiveness of God.

5. To refrain from repeating the offense.

Jews focus on forgiving one another during the 10 days called Rosh Hashanah. As Rabbi Mintz says, “The ’gates’ of teshuvah are always open to anyone who desires to return. It is only on the ten days of reflection that we are considered to be closest to God!” The last day of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, is a day on which Jews confess their sins to God and ask God’s forgiveness.

Another source (http://www.sichosinenglish.org/books/timeless-patterns/06.htm) differentiates repentance from return to God. “Repentance implies a reversal of one's conduct - a recognition of past shortcomings, and a firm resolution to change in the future. The two are interrelated; the awareness of our weaknesses impels us to reorient.

“The concept of Teshuvah as "return" emphasizes the fundamental spiritual potential of every person. Chassidic thought teaches that within each of us resides a Divine soul, a spark of God. This infinite Godly potential represents the core of our souls, our genuine "I".”

Perhaps, as one repents, one seeks a return to God, whether “within each of us,” or external to us.

Rev. Gerald O’Rourke, Ecumenical and Interfaith Officer of the (Roman Catholic) Archdiocese of San Francisco gave the second talk. He said:

Christianity shows two sides of the forgiveness question: Forgiveness by God, and forgiveness of others. Both are addressed in the Lord’s Prayer. We acknowledge that the loving God does forgive us our sins, our debts, and our trespasses.

Second, Christians seek to forgive others as they have already been forgiven by God. The healing process begins when a Christian is willing to forgive an offense. It continues as that Christian is willing to forgive totally. It concludes when the Christian is finally willing to forgive unconditionally.

In Luke 15:17-24, we see how the prodigal son is forgiven by his father, after he confesses his sin. Of course, the question of reconciliation remains after forgiveness occurs. Even when we’ve reached a state of total absence of ill-feeling toward the one who injured us, still we must choose whether or not to reconcile, and if so, whether to reunite with that person.

The third talk was given by Ms. Hina Azam, Lecturer in Islamic Studies at St. Mary’s College of California. She said that Islam considers four aspects of forgiveness.

First, Muslims seek forgiveness from God through “tawbah” or repentance, returning to God, as this, along with good works, is the key to salvation. Repentance requires (1) certainty in faith in the one God, (2) striving to return to right belief and right actions, (3) striving toward more acceptable behavior, (4) giving thanks for the abundance God provides us, and (5) acknowledging our sins, and requesting forgiveness. Forgiveness is not automatic – it must be requested. There is nothing to fear by humbling ourselves before God and confessing our sin. God already knows our sin, and has nothing to gain by punishing us, if we repent.

Second, Muslims wish to be forgiving of others, trying to emulate Allah’s forgiveness of themselves.

Third, they “forgive” God when they face trials in their lives. They strive for contentment, balance and to remember all their reasons for giving thanks to God.

Finally, they seek forgiveness from others when they have offended.

In Genesis 45:4-8 and 50:20, we see that Joseph forgives his brothers, who “intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is being done. . .” Here, we learn that Joseph trusted God to bring something good out of otherwise bad intentions. So he could forgive his brothers, and leave the judgment to God. In the Qur’an, 12:92-93, the brothers confess to Joseph, “We have indeed been guilty.” Joseph replies, “None shall reproach you this day. May God forgive you: of all those that show mercy He is the most merciful.”

Are the three sets of teachings about forgiving one another the same? Well, not exactly, but they surely have commonalities: These faiths each teach repentance, confession to God and each other, and behavioral reform. They seem to differ mostly in process and language, but each emphasizes the need to confront our sins, before God, and compensate for them.